The nightmares I experience relating to past abuse represent only a small portion of the damage I’m working to fix. They are part of a much larger mental health struggle known as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
PTSD, for me, manifests in many ways, even years after my experiences. One of the best examples I can share regarding my own fight with PTSD is my inability to learn how to drive a vehicle with a manual transmission. My father attempted to teach me to drive a stick shift when I was a teenager, but his lack of patience and kindness led him to yell and belittle me when I couldn’t get it right in what he considered an acceptable amount of time. I was already nervous due to my knowledge of his demeanor, so the stress I experienced with each mistake became overwhelming. We eventually ceased the lesson and I never learned.
As a happily married adult, I did try again, with much hesitation, this time with my very patient and loving husband. Unfortunately, even though there existed not even a hint of agitation or anger from him, I still felt the embarrassment and anguish from my experience as a teenager. I apologized compulsively, wanted to quit, and even cried on many occasions. I trembled with anxiety. My husband never belittled me or made any indication that he was upset. He encouraged me, smiled, reassured me, and gave me every tool I could need to learn how to drive a manual transmission vehicle, but the experience from my past became an obstacle I couldn’t overcome. I still can’t drive a stick shift. Maybe someday.
My husband died in February 2021. He was nothing like my father; he was patient, easy-going, affectionate, and encouraging. I like to think I’m a kind and loving person, and I work hard every day to be a better person than I was the day before, but I know the abuse I experienced growing up has caused certain behaviors and reactions that I have to very consciously work to correct. There is often more clarity in hindsight than in one’s present view, so although I didn’t always understand why I was exhibiting certain feelings (aggression, impatience, obsession, anger, etc.), I do carry guilt for the ways I treated him at times.
Guilt and shame are some other common feelings associated with PTSD, so sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish between what is and is not rational or valid. It is rational and valid, I think, to be remorseful for my impatience, my unwarranted anger, or even my passive aggression toward my late husband. However, I must remember it is neither rational nor valid to feel shameful or guilty for doing the best I could at the time. I am absolutely taking responsibility for my behaviors and my shortcomings, and as I said, I’m trying every day to be better. But, conditioning is a very real phenomenon, and one has to be aware of it before one can begin to heal. I am still becoming aware of conditioned behaviors and thoughts in myself, even at 30 years old.
PTSD is not just experienced by war veterans, or mass shooting survivors, or victims of rape or other sexual abuse. It’s a reality for many people, for many reasons. It causes intrusive thoughts, memories, and dreams; it can lead one to avoid situations, objects, or even songs; it can cause memory problems, difficulty maintaining relationships, hypervigilance, and seemingly irrational reactions to stimuli.
I am very sensitive. I do not like conflict, and I am easily frightened and/or hurt by raised voices and changes in tone. I crave frequent reassurance, I have gaps in my memory, and I sometimes react disproportionately to a situation’s severity or lack thereof. I’ve come a long way, truly, but healing from past trauma requires a great deal of time and effort. I’m trying. Every day.
My hope is that these paragraphs will help heal not only me, but someone else who may be on this same path, attempting to understand and accept their experiences and mend their own heart and mind.
And of course, if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, reach out to someone. Don’t take “no” for an answer. You are not your past. The future might just have something better in store. Let’s find out together.
