I lost myself.
I’ve noticed that, unfortunately, another byproduct of my past trauma and abuse is to, on occasion, lose my sense of self.
Growing up, my narcissistic father always had to be right, even when it was illogical. As a result, I often had to sacrifice my feelings and opinions to avoid further conflict. This behavior sometimes carries over into other interpersonal relationships in the present. In order to prevent confrontation and “keep the peace” in a relationship I value, I sometimes reject my own feelings and either concede or attempt to maintain a neutral stance. As you can imagine, that’s not a healthy way to communicate. I find that this act of squashing my logical perspectives and ideas for the sake of a relationship causes me to disconnect from myself little by little until eventually, I’ve strayed so far that it takes a significant event to shock me back into reality.
Another cause for this disconnect is my hyper-awareness and concern for the feelings of others. In the presence of my father, I never felt heard. My concerns and feeling were often dismissed, or at the very least, diminished. While this has made me an especially empathetic person (and empathy is a good trait), my empathy often gets in the way of my self-care. I find myself focusing much more on the feelings of my counterpart than my own, which can inadvertently breed resentment and self-doubt. I began to trust another person more than I trusted myself, and as a result, I was drifting further and further away from who I am at my core. Without my sense of self, I was relying on this person’s opinions and expectations to mold me and create my identity.
I accepted blame when I was not at fault. I felt guilty for expressing my needs. I expelled all my energy attempting to please someone and avoid conflict. I aimed for perfection, fearing any misstep would “ruin” the relationship.
Thankfully, I was finally able to step back and identify these behaviors, and I am working on regaining my sense of self. I know it is my responsibility to improve and heal, but the damage caused by narcissists is not easily undone. And, as most abuse tends to occur in cycles, narcissists and victims tend to attract. It takes constant conscious effort to identify the patterns and acknowledge the red flags that indicate an abusive relationship. Emotions are sometimes illogical, and as humans, we just cannot always maintain the awareness required to avoid toxic situations.
No one should have to experience the state of limbo caused by a narcissist’s manipulation. I have experienced that limbo more than once.
But, I’m finding myself again.
