When I allow myself to really dissect my trauma, I inevitably land on one question: Why was I never worth saving?
It’s a question I’ve posed to my mom in recent years, as the abuse from my father toward me began in my infancy, when his frustration with my colic and crying led him to toss me onto the sofa. Why wasn’t that enough to make her leave him? And what about the next time he was a bit too rough with me? And what about the next time he was cruel? And what about the next time he kicked me as a form of “punishment”? If the abuse toward my mom wasn’t enough for her to leave, why was the abuse toward me not enough either?
Unfortunately, my mother is only one person of many who I feel in some ways failed me. My teachers saw my anxiety, didn’t they? My extended family saw the way my dad behaved, especially when he was posturing and making a point to assert his dominance, right? It was never a total secret. People heard. People saw. But I wasn’t worth saving.
Even as an adult, despite having explained my past experiences in great detail to a family member, my choice to go “no contact” with my dad ultimately led to me being ostracized and even disowned. I have been made to look like an ungrateful, hateful child despite all evidence to the contrary. Narcissists derive great power from their influence. When other members of one’s family exhibit the same toxic behaviors as the narcissist at the center of one’s abuse, it results in a cycle over which the abused has no control other than to refuse to be a part of it any longer. That’s what I’ve done.
Breaking the cycle and going low or no contact with those who are part of that cycle may be the best decisions I have ever made, but I’m still left with the question: Why was I never worth saving?
I try to reframe the question. I try to be objective and see it from every angle. The reality is, however, that I am hurt. At 30, I’m still trying to understand how so many people — so many adults — could allow an innocent child to suffer and endure abuse they knew was occurring.
I am now surrounding myself with those who clearly care for me, make me a better person, and who would never allow me to be abused again. I may always wonder why I wasn’t worth saving in the past, but I’ll never wonder if I’m worth saving from now on.
